View Azuniverse: Teachers
by Topaz Talyn
Summary: Just because they teach you doesn't mean they like you! Mash up between Azumanga Daioh and Kevin Smith's Clerks.
1. I Assure You We're Open

View Azuniverse: Teachers

By Topaz Talyn

Disclaimer: I do not own Azumanga Daioh or any related characters

Kurosawa Minamo known to her friends (or one particular friend at least) as Nyamo was not having a good day. Even though it was summer vacation the principal had called her in to watch over the kids in summer school. To add to her bad mood someone had jammed gum in the locks of the gym. One thought kept running through Nyamo's head.

"I'm not even supposed to be here today."

………………………………

Two students had arrived at the school. The shorter one was talking a mile a minute about one thing or another while the taller one was keeping perfectly quiet. The short girl spoke,

"Man, Yomi why do we have to go to summer school anyway. I don't need any improvement I'm so awesome. I feel good today, Yomi, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna sit through this stupid goddamn class then we're gonna go out and fucking party! We'll hit the karaoke bar and then… Hey what are you looking at fucker? Hey Yomi didn't that bitch owe me ten bucks? Shit I'll rip out her soul tonight. Yay! Why are you at summer school anyway aren't you all fucking smart and shit?"

Yomi just shrugged and followed her small friend quietly. Yomi and Tomo were perfect together since Tomo talked all the time and Yomi never spoke at all unless it was absolutely necessary. Tomo continued ranting as the two girls made their way towards English which was their first period.

……………………………………..

**I ASSURE YOU THERE IS CLASS TODAY**

Nyamo had painted a sign using some of the school's art supplies. Unfortunately she was unable to find a brush and was forced to paint with her fingers. And now even after washing three times her hand still smelled of paint.

But now it was time to play soccer and Nyamo was ready. There was another teacher there observing. The man was tall and had a beard and was wearing sunglasses even though she had never seen this man before there was something strangely familiar about him. Nyamo just shrugged it off as one of her female students came up to her.

"Miss Kurosawa can we play soccer today?" The visiting man walked up to the pair.

"Excuse me did you just say that you were going to play soccer?" asked the man

"Yes. Is there a problem with that?" asked the girl

"Well I don't know if you're aware of the number of soccer related injuries that occur every year. Here look at this." The man said handing a small metal object to the girl

"What is it?"

"That is a replacement hip joint taken out of an old man who destroyed his hip playing soccer."

"Do you need anything?" asked Nyamo becoming quite annoyed

"Of course this instructor of death is going to try and stop me!" the man shouted to the gathering crowd.

"I am not an instructor of death, and if you're not going to help with class I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Fine! I'll help with this killer's class. I'll tell you what, I'm going to go swimming and if any of you girls care about your health you'll join me!" with this outburst the girls started cheering and some of them kicked the soccer balls they were holding at Nyamo.

TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEET! Nyamo blew her whistle which calmed down the girls immediately. She then spoke.

"Right now where is the guy who started all of this?" all of the girls pointed at the bearded man who was now trying to sneak away. She rushed over and grabbed his shoulder.

"I'm going to have to see your id sir." Nyamo said. The man begrudgingly pulled out his driver's license. Nyamo looked at it for a second and then reached up and pulled off the man's beard revealing…

"MR. KIMURA?" the man was indeed Mr. Kimura. "So what all this anti-soccer crap was just an excuse to…"

"To get the girls to swim in the pool. Is that so wrong?" asked Mr. Kimura

"Yes!" shouted Nyamo as she threw him out. "Argggh! I wasn't even supposed to be here today!"

**Author's Note: **Snoochie Boochies everyone! Expect a second chapter soon.


	2. Berserker!

View Azuniverse: Teachers

By Topaz Talyn

Disclaimer: I do not own Azumanga Daioh or any related characters

An irritated student was standing over Nyamo's desk in the staff room. After pacing back and forth for a few minutes the girl spoke.

"Where's the English teacher? She was supposed to be here two hours ago! This is ridiculous!"

"Well I've called her twice. She should be here soon." Replied Nyamo in her calmest tone

"Well Fuck that! I'm going home." Replied the girl stomping out of the room

"Forgot your books." Nyamo said to herself as she swept said books into the trashcan beside her desk.

……………………………………..

A young woman with short black hair was standing outside the school's English classroom. Another woman this one a brunette with hair down her back walked up and stood next to her. The brown haired woman turned to her companion.

"So what are you doing here?" the brown haired woman asked

"I'm waiting for the keys to this classroom." Replied the black haired woman

"Why?"

"Well I'm here as a substitute and I need to get a copy of the English textbook."

"No way! I need that book too." Replied the brown haired woman

"Well tough. I was here first."

"I'm getting that book."

"No you aren't." said the now irritated black haired woman. The brunette smiled.

"Ten bucks"

"What?"

"I'll bet you ten bucks that you don't get the book."

"Fine bitch, you're on"

The brunette just smiled and walked off down the hall.

……………………………………

Nyamo looked up as the door opened and saw her best friend walk in.

"You're late Yukari." Yukari turned and regarded Nyamo

"What are you doing here? I though you were doing Karaoke at two."

"I was. But the principal called and Ms. Takahashi is sick so I had to fill in." Nyamo sighed

"Shit," Yukari said, "If I had known you were here, I would have come even later." Responded Yukari picking up her keys and leaving

…………………………………………….

In the hall Yukari passed a girl who has searching for something.

"Have you seen any stray books?" asked the girl

"No time for love Doctor Jones!" Yukari replied leaving the girl utterly confused

Walking up to her classroom, Yukari relished the look of the black haired woman as Yukari turned the key and opened the door to the English room.

……………………………………………

Outside Tomo and Yomi were leaning up against the school wall next to the vending machines. Next to them was a third girl this one was short with shoulder length brown hair and a vacant expression. Tomo as usual was talking.

"I don't fucking care if she's a goddamn prodigy or whatever! I'm gonna beat her at something!"

While Tomo was ranting another girl had come up, "Hey Tomo, whatcha doing?" asked the girl. Tomo turned to her.

"I'm just hanging with Yomi and her cousin." Tomo replied

"That's Yomi's cousin?" asked the girl

"Yeah. She's from out of town."

"No Way"

"I swear to god! Yomi am I lying?" Yomi shook her head. Tomo continued, "See and Yomi never lies."

"Well where is she from?" asked the girl. Yomi turned around and tapped her distracted cousin who noticed the conversation for the first time

"Osaka!" Yomi's cousin replied

"So does she speak standard Japanese?" asked the girl

"Yeah but not real good like me can." Answered Tomo

"Well, is she staying here?" asked the girl

"Yup. She moved to Tokyo to become a pop idol."

"No way!"

"I swear. Watch this." Said Tomo turning towards Osaka, "Osaka! Dance!" Osaka began to spin around quickly in an erratic pirouette, Tomo just laughed.

"That's fucking funny!" Tomo grinned

"So she really wants to be a singer?" asked the girl

"Of course, she was in a band in Osaka called the sea cucumbers or something."

"That doesn't sound like a pop band."

"You should hear her sing. Osaka! Oranges & Lemons!"

Osaka nodded and began singing

_Dakishimetaikara itoshiihito_

_Mou nakanaidene Good bye sadness_

_Fushigina tobira no moji wa Soramimi Cake!_

The Girl stared for a second and then asked, "Did she just say Soramimi Cake?"

**Author's Note: **For those of you who don't know Osaka's song is the Azumanga Daioh theme song. Also I couldn't figure out how to do the Dante / Caitlin / Veronica scenes so I decided to leave them out for the most part. If you have any brilliant ideas regarding that please tell me. Also, Sakaki, Kagura and Kaorin will not be appearing here because I'm saving them for a _Mallrats _parody.


	3. The Ruse

View Azuniverse: Teachers

By Topaz Talyn

Disclaimer: I do not own Azumanga Daioh or any related characters

Nyamo was sitting in her office calmly thinking about life when Yukari sauntered in.

"Hey Nyamo, You know what game I played last night?" asked Yukari

"No"

"Metal Gear Solid"

"So?" said Nyamo raising an eyebrow

"Which did you like better MGS or MGS3?" asked Yukari ignoring her companion's obvious disinterest.

"What about MGS2?"

"NO ONE LIKES MGS2!" Yukari shouted. Nyamo being used to Yukari's personality ignored her.

"MGS3. I like that one better"

"Blasphemy" remarked Yukari

"Well Snake Eater had a better ending. The boss dies for her country, EVA disappears and all Snake gets is a meaningless promotion. It was kind of a downer and that's what life is a series of downers. I mean all MGS had was a bunch of wolves."

Yukari shrugged before speaking again, "Well last night I noticed something in MGS that bothered me."

"What?"

"Well they were in a secret science facility right?"

"Yeah"

"But Snake only finds one scientist"

"Otacon"

"Yeah, but you have to figure that there were other scientists there. I mean Metal Gear is too big a project for just one guy."

"And?"

"Well what happened to those other scientists?"

"The genome soldiers probably killed them."

"EXACTLY!" exclaimed Yukari, "They were just innocent scientists working on a lucrative government project and then some rogue soldiers come and shoot them. They didn't deserve that. They had no interest in Metal Gear or FOXHOUND. They were just trying to do some honest work." At that point Mr. Watanabe, the school's science teacher approached the two.

"Excuse me," interrupted Mr. Watanabe, "I don't mean to be rude but what were you talking about?"

"Metal Gear Solid" said Yukari

"Yukari is trying to convince me that any scientists who were killed were innocent victims when FOXHOUND invaded."

"Well as a scientist I can tell you that personal politics greatly influence which jobs you take."

"For example?" asked Nyamo

"Well before I came to the school I was offered a very well paying job in Europe. They even said that if I did well I would get a raise. Then I realized what I would be working on." Said Mr. Watanabe

"What?"

"Nuclear power"

"Really?" asked Yukari

"Yeah, the money was good but the risk was too big. So I passed it on to a colleague and not six months later the plant melted down and he was killed."

"NO WAY!" said Nyamo and Yukari in unison

"I'm alive because I knew the risks of nuclear power. My friend wasn't as lucky. So any scientists working on Metal Gear knew the risks. A scientist listens to his heart not his wallet." Said Mr. Watanabe as he left the room

As Yukari and Nyamo reflected on this story a boy poked his head into the office.

"Is there going to be an English class or not?"

……………………………………………………………..

In the English room all the students were working hard while Yukari had her head down on her desk and was clearly out of it. From the back of the room a girl stood up and approached Yukari's desk.

"Ms. Yukari?" asked the girl

"What?" said Yukari flatly without even looking up

"Do these worksheets look okay to you?" asked the girl

"Yeah. They're fine" answered Yukari

"Did you even look?"

"Yeah." Said Yukari who still had her head down. The now angry girl held up her worksheets again.

"How are these worksheets then?"

"You'll have to do those over." Said Yukari

"They're the same worksheets. You're completely out of it!" the girl exclaimed

"Yes I am" replied Yukari

"I don't think the Principal would appreciate…"

"I don't appreciate your ruse."

"What?"

"Your attempt to trick me."

"I was just pointing out that you weren't paying attention." Said the girl getting even more angry

"And I hope it feels good. There's nothing more fun than pointing out the faults of others, is there?"

"That's it!" I'm transferring schools" yelled the girl who was now completely fed up

"We'll miss you" said Yukari

"SCREW YOU!" shouted the girl as she stomped out of the room. After the door closed Yukari jumped up and ran to the door. She leaned out into the hall and shouted after the girl.

"YOU'RE EXPELLED!" she shouted then closing the door she went back to her desk. "Screw me?"


End file.
